#179 Laws of Human Nature: Aggression
People around you appear polite and civilised. But they are masking their frustrations. Feeling blocked in their endeavours, they often try to assert themselves in manipulative ways that catch you by surprise. Hence, you need to develop the ability to observe people's unsatisfied aggressive desires, paying extra attention to the chronic aggressors and passive aggressors in our midst.
Aggression is a tendency that is latent in every single human individual. We might try to repress our aggressiveness and appear to be paragons of humility and goodness, only to become more passive-aggressive in our behaviour. Aggressive energy cannot be denied or repressed. But with awareness, we can begin to control and channel it for productive and positive purposes. To do so, we must understand the source of all human aggression, how it turns negative, and why people become more aggressive than others.
The Source of Human Aggression
Humans are continually plagued by feelings of helplessness that come from many sources. If this feeling is strong enough or lasts for too long, it can become unbearable. We are wilful creatures who crave power. This desire for power is a natural response to the awareness of our essential weakness and vulnerability. In essence, what drives much of our behaviour is to have control over circumstances, to feel the connection between what we do and what we get - to feel that we can influence people and events to some extent. What this means is that human aggression stems from an underlying insecurity, as opposed to simply an impulse to hurt or take from others.
Chronic aggressors feel a sense of helplessness or frustration more deeply and more often than the rest of us. They feel chronically insecure and fragile and must cover this with an inordinate amount of power and control. Their need for power is too immediate and strong for them to accept the limits; and overrides any sense of compunction or social responsibility.
Some of the qualities of chronic aggressors:
They are domineering and extremely intolerant of any kind of dissent
Have less tolerance for feelings of helplessness and anxiety than the rest of us
They have a greater need to continually assert themselves and gauge their effect on others
Their self-esteem is tied to feelings of power, control, and respect for their opinions
They are addicted to their aggressive behaviour
The aggressive/assertive energy in all of us can get channeled into one of three directions:
Channeled into our work, into patiently achieving things (controlled aggression)
Channeled into aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviour
Channeled inward into a form of self-loathing
Passive Aggression
Most of us are afraid of outright confrontations as we want to appear reasonably polite and sociable. Hence, we engage in behaviours in which we assert ourselves indirectly striving for control or influence as subtly as possible.
The following are the most common strategies employed by passive aggressors:
The Subtle-Superiority Strategy: Chronically late, but he or she always has a ready excuse that is logical, along with an apology that seems sincere. They are trying to make it clear to themselves and to you that they are in some way superior. The best way to tackle this behaviour is to mirror it and induce a sense of shame if possible
The Sympathy Strategy: Always claims to be a victim of irrational hostility, of unfair circumstances, of society in general. These types will often prey upon those who are prone to feel guilty. The best way to tackle this behaviour is to keep distance from them
The Dependency Strategy: They are unusually attentive and concerned for your welfare. They want to help you with your work or some other tasks. But every now and then you detect some coldness on their part - so that the dynamic is reversed. The best way to tackle this behaviour is keep some distance before you can truly gauge their motives
The Insinuating-Doubt Strategy: In the course of a conversation they slip a comment that makes you wonder about yourself and if they are in some way insulting you. They want to strike a blow at your self-esteem. The best counter is to show that their insinuations have no effect on you
The Blame-Shifter Strategy: They irritate and upset you in some way, and bait you to make an erroneous response. This strategy is a way of covering up all kinds of unpleasant behaviour, of deflecting any kind of criticism, and of making people skittish about ever calling them on what they are doing. The best counter is to prevent the shifting from occurring
The Passive-Tyrant Strategy: The person you are working for seems to be bubbling with energy, ideas, and charisma. They need your help, and you strain every fibre of your being to provide it. This strategy is employed to prevent you from feeling comfortable or taking your position for granted. The only real counter is to quit.
This post is a summary of information provided in the book - The Laws of Human Nature, Robert Greene