#175 Laws of Human Nature: Gender Rigidity
All of us have masculine and feminine qualities - some of this is genetic, and some of it comes from the profound influence of the parent of the opposite sex. But in the need to present a consistent identity in society, we tend to repress these qualities, over identifying with the masculine or feminine role expected of us. We must become aware of these lost masculine or feminine traits and slowly reconnect to them, unleashing creative powers in the process. Do not play the expected gender role, but rather create the one that suits you
When in love, we become prey to emotions we cannot control. We make choices of partners we cannot rationally explain, and often these choices end up being unfortunate. According to Jung, we are actually possessed in such moments. He gave the entity that takes hold of us the name anima (for the male) and animus (for the female). This entity exists in our unconscious but comes to the surface when a person of the opposite sex fascinates us.
There are six types of common gender projections:
The Devilish Romantic: This is often the projection of women who had rather intense, even flirtatious relationships with the father. Such fathers often find their wives boring, and the young daughter more charming and playful. They turn to the daughter for inspiration, the daughter becomes addicted to their attention and adept at playing the kind of girl that daddy wants. It gives her a sense of power. It become her lifelong goal to recapture this attention and power that goes with it. Women trapped in this projection will grow resentful over the years about how much energy they have to expend playing to men's fantasies and how little they get in return
The Elusive Woman of Perfection: This is a common form of male projection. It contains all the elements he thinks he never got from his mother, never got from the other women in his life. This ideal mate will haunt his dreams. She will not appear to him in the form of someone he knows; she is a woman fashioned in his imagination - often young, elusive, but promising something great. The men prone to this projection often had mothers who were not totally there for them. Perhaps such a mother expected the son to give her the attention and validation she was not getting from her husband
The Lovable Rebel: The women with this projection often had a strong, patriarchal father who was distant and strict. The father represents order, rules, conventions. He was often quite critical of his daughter - she was never good or pretty or smart enough. She has internalised this critical voice and hears it in her head all the time. As a girl she dreamed of rebelling and asserting herself against the father's control, but too often she was reduced to obeying and playing the deferential daughter. Instead of developing the rebelliousness herself, she looks to externalise it in the form of the rebellious male
The Fallen Women: Men of this type often had strong mother figures in their childhood. They became good, obedient boys, excellent students at school. Consciously they are attracted to well-educated women, to those who seem good and perfect. But unconsciously they are drawn to women who are imperfect, bad, of dubious character. They have repressed the playful, sensual, and earthy sides of the character they had as boys. The only way they can relate to these qualities is through women who appear to be so different from themselves.
The Superior Man: This type of projection stems from feelings of inferiority. The woman in this case has internalised the voices of the father and others who have been so critical of her, who have lowered her self-esteem by telling her who she is and how she should behave. Not having ever developed her own strength or confidence, she will tend to search for these qualities in men and exaggerate any traces of them. For the woman attracted to this type, a relationship with him would give her an indirect feeling of strength and superiority
The Woman to Worship Him: This male projection generally stems from a particular type of relationship with the mother - she adores her son and showers him with attention. Perhaps this is to compensate for never quite getting what she wants from her husband. She fills the boy with confidence, he becomes addicted to her attention and craves her warm, enveloping presence, which is what she wants.
By relating more to the natural feminine or masculine parts within you, you will unleash energy that has been repressed, your mind will recover its natural fluidity - you will understand and relate better to those of the opposite sex and by ridding yourself of the defensiveness you have in relation to your gender role, you will feel secure in who you are. Our task is to open ourselves up to the opposite. We have only our rigidity to lose.
Masculine and feminine styles of thinking: Masculine thinking tends toward focusing on what separates phenomena from one another and categorising them. It looks for contrasts between things to label them. Its thought process is linear, figuring out the sequence of steps that goes into an event.
Feminine thinking orients itself differently. It likes to focus on the whole, how the parts connect to one another, the overall gestalt. In trying to solve a puzzle, the feminine style will prefer to meditate on several aspects, absorb the patterns, and let answers or solutions come to the individual over time, as if they needed to be cooked. This form of thinking leads to insights when the hidden connections between things suddenly become visible in intuitive flashes.
Masculine and feminine styles of action: When it comes to taking action, the masculine tendency is to move forward, explore the situation, attack, and vanquish. If there are obstacles in the way, it will try to push through them. It derives pleasure from staying on the offensive and taking risks.
The feminine style often prefers to first withdraw from the immediate situation and contemplate more deeply the options. It will often look for ways to avoid the conflict, to smooth out relations, to win without having to go to battle. Sometimes the best action is nonaction - let the dynamic play itself out to understand it better; let the enemy hand itself by its aggressive actions.
Masculine and feminine styles of self-assessment and learning: When men make mistakes they tend to look outward and find other people or circumstances to blame. Men's sense of self is deeply tied to their success, and they do not like to look inward if they fail. This makes it difficult to learn from failures. On the other hand, men will tend to feel that they are completely responsible for any success in life.
For women, it is the opposite. When there is failure, they tend to blame themselves and look inward. If there is success, they are more prone to look at the role of others in helping them. They find it easy to ask for assistance; they do not see this as a sign of personal inadequacy.
Masculine and feminine styles of relating to people and leadership: Men form hierarchies and punish those who fall out of line. They are highly status conscious, hyperaware of their place in the group. Leaders will tend to use some element of fear to keep the group cohesive. The masculine style of leadership is to identify clear goals and reach them. It puts emphasis on results, however they are achieved.
Feminine style is more about maintaining the group spirit and keeping the relationship smoothed out, with fewer differences among individuals. It is more empathetic, considering the feelings of each member and trying to involve them more in the decision-making process. Results are important, but the way they are achieved, the process, is equally important.
This post is a summary of information provided in the book - The Laws of Human Nature, Robert Greene