We humans are naturally compelled to compare ourselves with one another. We are continually measuring people's status, the levels of respect and attention they receive and comparing it against what we have. Sometimes this comparison can turn into deep envy - feelings of inferiority and frustration that lead to covert attacks and sabotage.
All of us feel envy, the sensation that others have more of what we want - possessions, attention, respect. Envy is a painful emotion, an admission of our own inferiority, something rather unbearable for us humans. We do not want others to see that we are envious.
We like to conceal envy from ourselves and not be aware that it motivates our actions. We like to tell ourselves it is not envy but unfairness at the distribution of goods or attention, resentment at this unfairness, even anger. We like to believe that the other person is not really superior but simply lucky, overly ambitious, or unscrupulous.
Envy occurs most commonly and painfully among friends. It is very difficult to actually discern the envy that motivates people's actions or to even know that we have suffered an envy attack from another. We only see anger, indignation, hostile criticisms, poisonous praise, and so on. As violence is not an acceptable action in the modern world - enviers are likely to sabotage our work, ruin a relationship, sully our reputation, torment us with criticisms that are aimed at our most basic insecurities.
There are two types of envy - active and passive. Some of us may experience the passive form of envy - where we feel envy but do not anything that would harm the other person. Acting on envy and doing something to harm the other person is active envy.
We can protect ourselves from active envy in three ways:
Learning the signs of envy that manage to leak through
Being aware of the type of people who are more prone to acting envy
Understanding the circumstances and actions that might trigger active envy in people
Signs of Envy
Envious feelings tend to leak out and can be detected if we are observant. We can look for a combination or repetition of the following signs before going into alert mode:
Micro-expression: When people first experience envy, they have not yet fooled themselves into thinking it is something else, so they are more prone to leakage than later on. Envy is most associated with the eyes, but the envious micro-expression affects the entire face. We can notice the envier's eye boring into you, with a look that suggests disdain and a touch of hostility. Tell suspected enviers some good news about yourself and closely look out for any micro-expressions
Poisonous praise: A major envy attack is often preceded by little envy bites - offhand comments expertly designed to get under your skin. Confusing, paradoxical praise is a common form of this. Enviers will make a comment praising the money you will now be making, implying that is the main reason you worked on it (when you have successfully completed a creative endeavour)
Backbiting: Gossip is a frequent cover for envy, a convenient way to vent it by sharing malicious rumours and stories. If you notice that friends or colleagues are suddenly cooler to you than before for no apparent reason, such gossiping might be the source and would be worth ferreting out
The push and pull: Enviers often use friendship and intimacy as the best way to wound the people they envy. They display unusual eagerness to become your friend. They saturate you with attention. They praise you a little too effusively too early on. Then they gather material on you and find your weak points and criticise you in pointed ways
Envier Types
The following are five common varieties of enviers, how they tend to disguise themselves, and their particular forms of attack:
The Leveler: They tend to have a wicked sense of humour. They are good at putting down those who are powerful and deflating the pretentious. They seem to have a keen nose for injustice and unfairness. However, they cannot recognise or appreciate excellence in almost anyone, except those who are dead. They rail at high achievers for gaming the system, for being far too ambitious, or simply for being lucky and not really deserving praise. They attack in ugly and hurtful ways. They may follow this up with active sabotage of your work, which they justify to themselves as a form of retributive justice
The Self-entitled Slacker: They feel they deserve attention and many rewards in life as if these are naturally due to them. They feel insecure about their ability to get what they want as they have never really developed the proper discipline. They are very prone to envying and hating those who work hard and get results. They will slander and sabotage you without any warning
The Status Fiend: They view social status as the most important determinant of their self-worth. Recognise status fiends by how they reduce everything to material considerations. They typically attack you in underhanded ways, undermining your position within the group
The Attacher: They are drawn to powerful people out of a desire to harm them in some way (and not out of admiration). They find a way to attach themselves as friends or assistants. They make themselves useful. They believe they are entitled to some of the attention that the powerful person is getting without all the hard work.Their form of attack is to gather information on you that they can leak out or spread as gossip, harming your reputation
The Insecure Master: For some individuals, attaining a high position serves as validation of their self-worth and provides a significant boost to their self-esteem. Secretly they doubt whether they are worthy of the responsibility. They look at others who might have more talent, even those below them, with an envious eye. Due to this insecurity and envy they will fire or demote reportees who have clearly delivered results
Envy Triggers
A sudden change in status, often resulting from a dramatic success, being recognised, or receiving coveted awards, is the most common trigger for envy.
People with delicate ego who are getting older, with their careers on the decline are quite prone to experiencing envy.
Beyond Envy
The following are five simple exercises to help slowly transform our comparing inclination:
Move closer to what you envy: The process of moving closer it twofold:
Try to actually look behind the glittering facades people present
Imagine the inevitable disadvantages that go along with their achievements/success
Engage in downward comparison: Compare with people who live in harsher environments, deal with threats or are insecure about their future. This will lead to greater gratitude for what you actually possess. Such gratitude is the best antidote to envy
Practice Mitfreude (opposite of schadenfreude): Actively try to feel the joy of others
Transmute envy into emulation: Instead of wanting to hurt or steal from the person who has achieved more, we should desire to raise ourselves to their level
Admire human greatness: Acknowledge people's achievements, celebrate them, without having to feel insecure. Although it is easier to admire those who are dead, try to include at least one living person
This post is a summary of information provided in the book - The Laws of Human Nature, Robert Greene