#170 Laws of Human Nature: Defensiveness
Soften people's resistance by confirming their self-opinion
Influence over people and the power that it brings are gained in the opposite way from what you might imagine. You gain influence by putting the focus on others. Let them do the talking. Let them be the stars of the show. Their opinions and values are worth emulating. The causes they support are the noblest. Such attention is so rare in this world, and people are so hungry for it, that giving them such validation will lower their defences and open their minds to whatever ideas you want to insinuate.
From early on in life we humans develop a defensive and self-protective side to our personality. By the time we reach our twenties, we have all developed systems of defence - we set up walls around ourselves to keep out intruders and those who want something from us. These walls collapse when someone appreciates and reflects back to us our most positive qualities. Creating this feeling of validation is the golden key that will unlock people's defences. We must discover the power that we can possess by giving people the validation they crave and lowering their defences.
People have a perception about themselves - self-opinion. This self-opinion may or may not be accurate - it does not matter. What matters is how people perceive their own character and worthiness. There are three qualities to people's self-opinion that are nearly universal:
I am autonomous, acting of my own free will
I am intelligent in my own way
I am basically good and decent
Our self-opinion is primary: it determines so much of our thinking and values. We will not entertain ideas that clash with our self-opinion. In general, we will choose to belong to groups that validate our feeling of being noble and smart.
When you try to convince people of something, one of three things will happen:
You might inadvertently challenge a particular aspect of their self-opinion
You can leave their self-opinion in a neutral position - neither challenged nor confirmed
You can actively confirm their self-opinion. In this case you are fulfilling one people's greatest emotional needs
Five Strategies for Becoming a Master Persuader
The following five strategies will help lower people's resistance. It would be wise to put all five into practice.
Transform yourself into a deep listener
In the normal flow of a conversation, our attention is divided. We hear parts of what other people are saying - as we are more interested in our own thoughts, feelings, and experiences than in those of the other person.
The best way to signal how deeply you are listening is to occasionally say something that mirrors what they have said, but in your own words and filtered through your own experiences. Your goal is to make them come away from the encounter feeling better about themselves. You have let them be the star of the show.
As they become increasingly relaxed in your presence, you will have great latitude for planting ideas and influencing their behaviour.
Infect people with the proper mood
As social animals, we are extremely susceptible to the moods of other people. This gives us the power to subtly infuse into people the appropriate mood for influencing them. If you are relaxed and anticipating a pleasurable experience, this will communicate itself and have a mirror-like effect on the other person.
Keep in mind that your expectations about people are communicated to them nonverbally. By feeling particularly excited when you are meeting someone, you will communicate this to him or her in a powerful way.
Confirm their self-opinion
When someone has autonomy/free will as their self-opinion: No attempt at influence can ever work if they feel that they are being coerced or manipulated. They must choose to do whatever it is you want them to do, or they must at least experience it as their choice. The more deeply you can create this impression, the greater your chances of success.
When someone has intelligence as their self-opinion: Allow him/her to confute you. You do this by beginning to disagree with a target about a subject, even with some vehemence, and then slowly come to seeing their point of view, thereby confirming not only their intelligence but also their own powers of influence. They feel ever so slightly superior to you, which is precisely what you want. They will now be doubly vulnerable to a countermove of your own. You can create a similar effect by asking people for advice. The implication is that you respect their wisdom and experience.
When someone has goodness as their self-opinion: Frame what you are asking them to do as part of a larger cause that they can participate in. If you need a favour from people, do not remind them of what you done for them in the past. Instead remind them of the good things they have done for you in the past.
Ally their insecurities
Everyone has particular insecurities - about their looks, their creative powers, their masculinity, their power status, their uniqueness, their popularity etc. Once you have identified them, you must first be extra careful not to trigger them. The best strategy is to praise and flatter those qualities that people are most insecure about. You must seem as sincere as possible. It would be best to choose qualities to praise that you actually admire, if at all possible.
Use people's resistance and stubbornness
Some people are particularly resistant to any form of influence. They are most often people with deeper levels of insecurity and low self-opinion. They must assert their will at all costs and resist any kind of change. They will do the opposite of what people suggest.
In order to influence them, we need to:
Use their emotions: Instead of trying to counter people's strong emotions, move with them and find a way to channel them in a productive direction
Use their language: You their language to redirect their energy toward something much different
Use their rigidity: Use the actual nature of their rigid behaviour to effect a gentle change that could lead to something greater
This post is a summary of information provided in the book - The Laws of Human Nature, Robert Greene