#158 Difficult Conversations - Identity Conversation
Difficult Conversations Threaten Our Identity
Some conversations can be can be overwhelmingly difficult because:
Our anxiety results not just from having to face the other person, but from having to face ourselves
It has the potential to disrupt our sense of who we are in the world, or to highlight what we hope are but fear we are not
Three Core Identities
Three identity issues seem particularly common, and often underlie what concerns us most during difficult conversations:
Am I competent?
Am I a good person?
Am I worthy of love?
Grappling with identity issues is what life and growth are all about, and no amount of love or accomplishment or skill can insulate us from these challenges.
Thinking clearly and honestly about who you are can help reduce your anxiety level during the conversation and significantly strengthen your foundation in its aftermath.
Vulnerable Identities: The All-or-Nothing Syndrome
The biggest factor that contributes to a vulnerable identity is "all-or-nothing" thinking: I'm either competent or incompetent, good or evil, worthy of love or not.
The primary peril of all-or-nothing thinking is that it leaves our identity extremely unstable, making us hypersensitive to feedback. When faced with negative information about ourselves - either we try to deny the information that is inconsistent with our self-image, or we do the opposite - we take in the information in a way that exaggerates its importance to a crippling degree.
Denial: Clinging to a purely positive identity leaves no place in our self-concept for negative feedback. Denial requires a huge amount of psychic energy, and sooner or later the story we are telling ourselves is going to become untenable. And the bigger the gap between what we hope is true and what we fear is true, the easier it is for us to lose our balance.
Exaggeration: The alternative to denial is exaggeration. We let their feedback define who we are: We act as if the other person's feedback is the only information we have about ourselves. We put everything up for grabs, and let what they say dictate how we see ourselves.
Ground Your Identity
Improving your ability to manage the identity conversation has two steps:
You need to become familiar with those identity issues that are important to you, so you can spot them during a conversation
You need to learn to integrate new information into your identity in ways that are healthy. Complexify your self-image - move way from the false choice between "I am perfect" and "I am worthless"
Three Things to Accept About Yourself
There are three characteristics that are particularly important to be able to accept about yourself in difficult conversations:
You will make mistakes: One reason people are reluctant to admit mistakes is that they fear being seen as weak or incompetent
Your intentions are complex
You have contributed to the problem: A crucial step for grounding yourself involves assessing and taking responsibility for what you have contributed to the problem
During the Conversation: Learn to Regain Your Balance
A difficult conversation will bring its share of surprises, testing your self-image in ways you had not counted on. These surprises can knock you down - you should be able to get back on your feet and keep the conversation moving in a productive direction.
Four things you can do before and during a difficult conversation to help yourself maintain and regain your balance include:
Letting go of trying to control their reaction: You can't control their reaction and you should not try
Preparing for their response: Instead of trying to control the other person's reactions prepare for it. The more prepared you are for how the other person might react, the less surprised you will be
Imagining the future to gain perspective: Think about what it will feel like to look back on this conversation (three months or ten year from now)
Taking a break: Sometimes you will find that you are just too close to the problem and too overwhelmed by your internal identity quake to engage effectively in the conversation - ask for some time to think about what you have heard
Their Identity is Also Implicated
When we are wrapped up in our own identity conversation it can be difficult to remember that the other person may be grappling with identity issues of their own.
Find the Courage to Ask for Help
Sometimes life deals us a blow that we cannot cope with on our own. If you have worked to get over it and cannot, you should ask for help. For many of us, that is not easy. Our identity conversation tells us loud and clear that asking for help is not okay - that it is shameful or weak and creates burdens on others. And when you do ask for help, not everyone will come through for you, and that will be painful. But many people will. And by trusting them enough to ask, you offer them an extraordinary opportunity to do something important for someone they care about.
This post is a summary of information provided in the book - Difficult Conversations, How to Discuss What Matters Most, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen